


It's Too Late

by gotbees



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Baby (car), Character Death, Coda, Dead Mary Winchester, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Depression, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It's too late, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Not Actually Unrequited Love, References to Depression, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Sam Winchester, Short & Sweet, Unrequited Love, Withdrawal, blink and you miss it - Freeform, but it's subtle, cas gave up his powers, human!Cas, sorry this is short, unexpected, you can see it if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:34:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29085447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotbees/pseuds/gotbees
Summary: SPOILERS FOR SEASON 15 but I make my own ending upIn which I break my own heart.It's kind of a - if Jack never came back to life, Dean and Sam are still mourning Mary, Cas hasn't confessed his love for Dean and Dean is way too broken to admit his feelings either. Neither of the Winchester brothers are handling things well. Warning wise, READ THE TAGS!
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 5





	It's Too Late

“Okay, assbutt,” Cas chastised himself. “You have wimped out of doing this for eleven years. It’s time.”

Ever since Cas had given up his grace and decided to live as a human, his feelings for Dean had only gotten stronger. It was suddenly like all of his emotions had been dialled up to eleven. He used to question whether he _loved_ Dean or was _in love_ with Dean. And now he had finally decided. He was in love, and it was time to do something about it.

Well, that was before.

After years of Sam begging for Dean to stop drinking, hurt by seeing John in Dean’s behaviour, Dean finally agreed. It was not going well. Dean was an alcoholic, this much was known. And ever since they had lost Jack in trying to defeat Chuck… Dean had just snapped. He felt disgusting - his kindness to the kid was rare, and Dean knew that Jack died thinking he was unloved by Dean. In fact, it was quite the contrary. Of course, Dean had been pissed and upset that Jack had hurt his mom. Who wouldn’t be? Dean had forgiven Jack long ago, after realising something; he didn’t look it, but Jack was just a baby - a confused child who had been brought into the world and had to grow up quickly, the threat of assassination far too real for an infant. Dean’s newest tipple post-realisation was absinthe. Straight shots of absinthe.

Dean had been drinking anything he could get his hands on, and at all hours of the day. For an entire month, at no point was he sober. He had managed to slip through Sam’s arms one night and total Baby. Dean had rebuilt that car more times than he could count. He adored it. That car was like another Winchester. But since he’d written it off, he couldn’t bring himself to fix it this time. Sam had sprinted around the neighbourhood searching for Dean, with the help of Cas. Unfortunately, Cas was powerless, and all he could do was try his best to match Sam’s pace (which he miserably failed at) and hope. They had found the once beautifully sleek hood of the car crumpled around the trunk of a nearby tree. Dean hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt and had hit his head. Miraculously, Sam pulled him out of the car unconscious but with no severe injuries.

Sam was furious with Dean. How could he do this to himself?

“Dean, you asshole!” Sam’s fist flew and hit the body of the now ruined car.

Sam looked over the cut on his brother’s head, determined he was still breathing, and let the tears pour down his face. “Dean, what did you do? You have to stop this. You have to stop blaming yourself. I know you hate chick flick moments, but, Dean, we have to talk about this. It is killing you. I need you, Dean, and I need you to get over this… You know, I started doing it again, Dean. I couldn’t help myself. I just feel so helpless and I need you. I need you to help me, too. Because I can’t do this by myself. Please… Please…” Sam’s words descended into sobs. He pulled his brother towards him and embraced him, his sobs racking throughout both his and Dean’s bodies.

It was later that night that they had had a chat. Dean didn’t see the issue with his drinking. He needed it. Sam didn’t mention how it made him feel, tugging at his sleeves nervously. It was Cas who finally got Dean to see the light.

“Dean… I think you should know that the situation is worse than you think it is. If you carry on like this, you will die. Soon. Please, Dean,” Cas took Dean’s hand in his. Dean, who had previously made a pointed effort not to look at Cas, finally gazed over at him, locking eyes. “I’m begging you. Stop this.”

Dean’s eyes flickered away, uncomfortable with how Cas’ pleading made his heart ache. He planned to say ‘no way, Cas. I’m a grown-up and I’ll do what I damn well like.’ He was shocked when his mouth betrayed him. “Okay,” he whispered, fiddling with the corner of the blanket they had thrown over him. “Okay. I’ll stop.”

And to give credit to Dean, he did. But as with all severe alcoholics suffering from withdrawal, it was difficult. Dean’s only condition to doing this was that he was going to do it himself. No hospitals, no clinics, no rehab, nothing. He claimed it would only make him more embarrassed and make him want to drink more. So they let him, and attempted to supervise him.

Cas and Sam could ignore Dean’s sudden increase in anxiety. They ignored his lethargy, dilated pupils, sweating, nightmares and mood swings. These were all relatively normal withdrawal symptoms. It was the tremors and confusion that worried them most. That was until the hallucinations came along. Sam had been grocery shopping and Cas had been chatting to Dean when it first happened.

“Dean, I know you’re not hungry, but I need you to eat so-”

“Mom?”

Cas, who had been glaring at the uneaten food suddenly snapped his head to look at Dean’s. He followed Dean’s eyeline and sagged when he noticed Mary wasn’t there.

“No, Dean, I’m sorry but she’s not there.” Cas surreptitiously wiped his tear down his face with his hand.

“Cas, look she’s right there!” He chastised. Not taking his eyes off the corner that she appeared in, he gently stood and walked towards her.

“Dean, stop. Sit down.”

“No, Cas. She’s my mom and I miss her.”

“I miss her too, Dean. You know why? Because she's not here. I’m sorry, but you’re seeing things. You’re seeing her _because_ you miss her.”

“I just-"

Cas stepped in front of Dean, obscuring his staring match with the peeling wallpaper in the corner of the room. “Dean, you have to-"

Dean snapped. His fist flew into Cas’ jaw. With all of the tricks his brain was playing, he had no control over how hard he threw the punch. It instantly threw Cas to the floor, Dean’s ring having landed on just the right place on his temple. Cas was down and writhing in blistering pain. “Fuck you, Cas. This is all your fault. I lost her. I lost her again and again and again and it’s all your fault. Fuck you. You’ve never cared about me. Well guess what. I never cared about you either, you pussy. You’re an asshole, Cas. I’ve risked my ass for you so many times. I am ninety percent sure that if we never met, my life would have been so much fucking easier. No angels, no archangels, no Nephilim, no fucking God. My mother would be alive without Jack. Fucking Jack!”

Cas peeled himself off the floor and attempted to comfort the other man. “Dean, please, stop. You don’t mean any of this, I know you don’t. Jack made a terrible mistake, but he was my son. Yours too. And he was only a child-” Cas pleaded, his voice trembling. He missed the boy so much. He ached like he was missing a limb.

Dean delivered another swift punch, this time to Cas’ mouth, again sending the ex-angel flying to the floor. “Shut up. Yes, I do.” Dean stalked out of the room quickly enough to miss the sobs that racked through Cas. He felt pathetic. Only weeks ago, had Cas finally come to terms with his true feelings for Dean, and now he knew how Dean truly felt about him. Or at least he thought he did. The ex-angel rolled onto his front, pressing his forehead into the cold kitchen tile floor. ‘Well,’ he tearfully supposed to himself. ‘The two horsemen of humanity; unrequited love and heartbreak.’

Cas didn’t know how long he had been wallowing, just that he should probably check on dean. Oh, joy. He swayed a little as he hoisted himself to his feet, cradling his bleeding head in his hands. Sam could help patch him up when he got back from shopping. He couldn’t leave Dean alone much longer though. Hallucinations were never a good sign, and if something happened to Dean whilst Cas was having a pity party all on his lonesome, Cas would never forgive himself. The man wiped away the dried tears and pressed on.

“Dean?” Cas called out, methodically making his way through the bunker, eyes scanning around the corners and empty hallways of the bunker. “Dean? Listen, Dean, I know you hate me, and I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I just need to make sure you’re - OOF”

Having tripped, Cas tumbled to the ground in a mess of limbs.

Cas couldn’t help but look around in confusion. “What?”

Finally, he saw it. “No,” Cas whispered. “Please no. Dean?” Cas scrambled towards the screwed up heap on the floor and untangled the clumsy limbs, trying to make heads or tails of the situation.

“Dean, please. Stay with me.” He checked for a breathing pattern. Nothing. He checked for a heartbeat. Nothing. “NO!” Cas roared, slamming his fists onto Dean’s chest in a desperate attempt to get it moving. “No, please. Dean, you can’t leave me. I love you, Dean, I love you so much. And not like you think I do. I love you so much more. You can’t leave me, Dean. It’s not allowed. You can’t leave me, you ass! I became human so I could spend the rest of my life loving you, kissing you, growing old with you… dying with you.” Cas wailed, trying desperately to shake his love back to life. He even tried to heal Dean in the way he would as an angel, only this time wrapping his hand around his face, rather than the usual two fingers. "Please, Dean. Pl-" Cas broke down before he could finish, letting ugly tears stream down his cheeks, dripping onto his lips, and wetting the fabric of the checkered shirt Dean had been wearing.

The Dean in the veil stood watching in horror and confusion. “Billie?”

“He truly loves you, Dean. He always has. Right from the moment you met in that barn.”

“How did you-"

“I’m Death, sweetheart. Of course I know.”

“Billie?” Dean asked tearfully. “I love him too.”

“I know.”

“What happened to me?”

“You had a seizure, Dean. It’s rare with withdrawal, but you refused to go to hospital. You should have been on watch and medicated. But no one can force Dean Winchester to do anything.”

“Dean…” Upon hearing Cas’ voice, Dean turned to face the man he should have got to spend his life with. “I don’t know if you’re still around. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never told you how I felt. I’m sorry that I let myself cry instead of coming straight back to you. I should have been there. You died feeling alone and unloved. You’ve never been either of those things. I’ve always been here. Ever since you were born, I’ve been watching over you. Your mother always used to say when you were a baby “Angels are watching over you.” She wasn’t wrong, Dean. I’ve always been here. Chuck always forbade me from interfering. But I’m here.”

Dean watched on in stunned silence as Castiel ducked his head down to Dean’s lifeless body and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. Dean gasped lightly, pressing his fingers to his tingling lips. All these years he had wondered what that would feel like.

“I just wish you could have known…” he trailed off.

“I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too, Cas.”

“I just need you to say it back, Dean. Please. I need to hear that what you said isn’t true. You don’t mean anything you said, right?” Cas could feel himself starting to panic again. “Dean, you don’t mean it. Please tell me that you didn’t mean it and you love me. SAY IT BACK! CHUCK, JACK, MICHAEL, LUCIFER. I DON’T CARE WHO. TAKE ME AND GIVE HIM BACK!”

At that moment, Sam walked through the door and heard Cas’ screams. He didn’t even think, he just dropped everything he was holding and ran.

“Cas?! Where are you?”

Sam instantly stilled in shock at the sight of Castiel crying over the body of his brother.

“Dean? Cas?” Cas just sobbed harder, still not looking at the shocked man. “Oh god.”

“Castiel please tell me he’s not-"

“I’m so sorry Sam.”

Dean couldn’t watch. The two men he loved more than anything in the world, both in very different ways, and they were heartbroken.

“I’m not going back am I Billie?”

“Not this time, Dean.”

“Cas, Sammy… I am so sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ooh, don't we just love a good cry?
> 
> Feel free to comment, save, kudos, anything like that. It really helps me out. This is my first A03 post, so I hope you enjoyed!


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